Soldiers

A poem I wrote during my composition class at PACT today (01/28/10):
(I put large amounts of thought and time into this poem. I mean EVERY word said about our soldiers)


What is a soldier?
They are courage
They are this country
They are the bravery
The stronghold
The backbone

What is courage?
It is taking a stand
It is being yourself
It is being strong
Having faith
Facing fears

What is this country?
It is the US of A
It is freedom
It is independence
United
Strong

What is bravery?
It is standing up
It is living your life
It is waking up each morning
Taking life when its rough
Putting on a smile

What is a stronghold?
It is security
It is a rock
It is inspiration
Steady
Unfailing

What is a backbone?
It is the weapon
It is the existence
It is what holds us together
The main bone
Keeps us alive

What is a soldier?
Someone we can count on
Someone who holds us up
Someone that saves our freedom
Risks their lives
Faces their fears

Are YOU a soldier?

my life in retrospect

Recently I have been dealing with a lot of problems in many aspects of my life. It seems so very overwhelming. I am not sure how I am able to handle all of this "drama" in my life at once. Maybe all my past drama...all the drama that seemed WAY too overwhelming at the time... prepared me for this point in my life. The point in my life that has more adult problems instead of teenage problems. The point in my life where these problems can make or ruin my life. It's difficult to look at all that I'm going through... and knowing that every LITTLE choice i make is fragile. And if I make the wrong move... my life could break apart completely. It's also very stressful knowing that. There are moments where I feel like I am going crazy. Like I am not all there. There are days in the past 5 months that just are such a blur. Like I can't remember most of the days in the past 5 months. I just lived barely through them... but only focused enough to live through the day... and not enough to enjoy it. The only days I remember completely clearly are the days I encountered God. I'm not sure if this is bad... but I'm not a fan of living my life this way. All I'm doing is living it enough to get by without dying. It's a numb life... and I'm not sure why or how exactly I got to be this way. It's almost like it's exhausting. The only thing that is keeping me going is God and my love for Him and knowing His will for my life. So everything I'm going through...and have gone through...and will go through has a meaning and purpose. Its just difficult to see those purposes right now. And I'm not so much a fan of them. Especially since SO much is happening to me at once... but I'm trusting in God...

My Heart

poem written by me:

Stab my heart
Twist the knife
Have no worry
It won't effect my life.
Do what you want
I don't really care.
My heart is already broken
Taken all it can bear.
I'm ready to move on
I will think of you no more.
My memories of you will leave
Like waves crashing on a shore.
But just fyi
That's a lie.
My life keeps moving on
As my heart still dies.

Mind vs. Heart

quote: "For every word you say, another piece of my heart you take."

poem (written on March 17, 2009):

Do you have any idea?
Do you have any clue?
What is it about you, that leaves me speechless...
Why is it that my heart can't stop beating for you...

My heart used to be numb
But you made it have feeling again
You opened up the door to a new life
With happiness back to a ten

I've never felt so confused
Second guessing everything I do
All I know is what my heart says
And it says I have feelings for you

My mind tries to fight against it
Tries to block out how wonderful you are
All it does is epically fail
And these feelings seem so bizarre

I must accept my feelings
Accept what they are saying to me
My mind is following my heart
And my heart has been set free

The chains I used to bear
Were set loose by my hope
The hope that you will soon realize
You will need me in order to cope

I will always be here
I do not plan to leave your side
My heart and mind are yours
In each other we'll confide

New beginning. New start. New life.

Lately, I have been watching One Tree Hill. Watching this show often times helps me look on the bright side of life. Because i can look at this show and think "Man, I have a lot of drama in my life. But at least I am not having to go through that." But I also watch this show, and reazlize how similar my life is to quite a few situtations in the show. So today I wrote a facebook status based off of the show a little bit.
"Ever wonder where life will take us? Maybe it'll lead us to the one we love. Maybe it'll lead us to our dreams. Maybe it'll lead us to mistakes, but lead us past them. Maybe it'll bring us back to the River Court where it all began. Where we first made our wishes and thought up our dreams. After high school the world will be open for chances. How will it be possible? The first time we stepped out of our box, our own sheltered world, our River Court... and decided to face the world."
Even as I wrote this, it seems hard to me to believe. My life hasn't been the easiest lately. And I know that no one's life is perfect, but it's just been getting tough and more things just keep adding on the the BIG problems. All of the problems are my own mistakes and its the consquences that I am having to take on because of those mistakes. Because I created each problem in some form or another. 3 1/2 months ago, I lost the most important person in the world to me. And I doubt I will ever get him back. I'm constantly "gaining" and losing friends. I lost count so far this year.
But as I am looking at my life, 2010 is a brand new year. It's a time to start a new year fresh. With no mistakes. No regrets. Even though the past cant be erased, and I can't completely change current circumstances... I can try to start making my life better. Changing the future and it's outcomes. Letting go is the hardest thing for me to do. Because I don't like change. At all. It's not something that I have ever been able to deal with well. Even though the last 7 years of my life have ONLY been changes. Some for the better... but most of them for the worst (or at least that's how it seems now). Even the worst changes have impacted me for the better I guess and gotten me to where I am now. But is this really where I want to be? Is this how I want my life to keep going and everything? Im not sure. I feel like I am 100% sure how I feel God wants me to lead/live my life. But... people keep telling me that it's not right. Trying to convince me that how I feel and what God is telling me is wrong. Most people in my life lately have been telling me that what I feel God is telling me about a specific situtation in my life is wrong. They have me second guessing myself, when I know in my heart that I am right. It is the hardest thing to deal with. Not to mention, I have ideas of how to live my future, what I should go to college for, what my future job should be or entail... but everything people/my parents are telling me I should do... is not what I feel God wants me to do. But all their opinions and statements have me second guessing myself yet again. My life seems so uncertain. Lately, I can hardly HONESTLY tell people who I am. And it scares me. I graduate in about 5 months. But I know barely anything about myself anymore. How am I going to be ready?
Well... I am hungry. And want food. :) So I will write again eventually.

I Don't Know Why

i'm not exactly sure why he makes me feel this way. 

...why he can make me smile without even trying. 

...why he can easily give me the biggest butterflies in my stomach by just looking at me.

...why he can just smile and it makes my heart melt.

...why he can text me and it makes my heart skip a beat when i see his name on the screen.

...why he can make me try so hard to become a better person so that i can deserve him.

...why he can make me stay up late at night wishing just maybe he'll like me back.

...why he can cook like a pro and have it make me like him even more.

...why?

all i know is that i must be going crazy. feelings like these only exist in fairytales. and yet...i can't get any one of them to go away. i'm not sure if it's love...or if it's just a crush. But as of now, i'd definitely say it feels like more than just a crush. i long to know how he feels about me. my heart almost aches at the longing.

...maybe it's just a high school crush.

...maybe im just being a typical girl and blowing things out of proportion.

...maybe im psyching myself out and making my feelings worse by thinking about it all.

...or maybe i am falling. and falling hard...

Forever Changing Night

Tonight was going to be different. Tonight...Allie was determined to have fun. After going through such difficult times in the past year, she figured this was going to be a new start. A new start to her new life of moving on past everything horrible in her past. Everything that haunted her dreams and every thought during both day and night. Thoughts of her best friends death, the boy she loved's suicide, the reoccurring glares and mumbles she got from people she used to call friends. She was a stranger in her own world and she was sick of it. Sick of everything. After tonight, she would finally be passed it all. She would finally be free from her haunting past; she would not let it continue.

After all Allie had been through, she decided it was finally time to go try and live her life. She was sick of staying at home crying because of things she had no control over. Things that wouldn't be changed just because she wished they were different or cried for hours over them. Things... that she may always regret, but just wanted to stop being haunted by. Starting that night, January 1, 2006, her life would become hers again.

All week long, Allie had heard nothing but news of the "wicked" party everyone would be attending on that Saturday night. It was all her friends, and everyone else could talk about. Jim Carter was finally throwing a big bash while his wealthy parents were out of town. Of course at first Allie thought the whole thing was stupid. But after giving it some thought, maybe going to the party would help her move past all the crap she went through. Maybe it would help her begin to start forgetting about the horrible flashbacks of each crappy event that she had to witness and go through in her life. Just maybe, this party would help Allie restart her life as a normal teenage girl; or so she thought.

Saturday night, the day of the big party. Allie made plans with a group of her friends to go the party. Most of them were rather shocked she wanted to go, considering Allie was never much of a "party girl". But they welcomed her without any question and open arms.

Allie's friend Amanda picked her up at her house around eight and from there they were off. Off to the party that would change Allie's perspective on life. Of course, Allie knew none of this as she was climbing into the car. If she had known, I bet she would have stayed at home and not thought twice about what she would be missing out on. But of course, being human, Allie had no way of knowing...and so she went.

Upon arriving at the house, most of Allie's friends met up with them as her and Amanda walked through the door. Being a good friend, Amanda asked Allie is she wanted her to stay with her, and not wanting to be a downer, she told Amanda to go have fun. Deciding to explore the house, Allie walked around and eventually found herself in the kitchen where the beverages were being passed out. Before she really knew what was happening, she had finished off 3 cups of beer and a shot of vodka. The vodka almost made her throw up, but she was able to keep it down. Feeling a little dizzy, Allie decided to go find someplace quiet to go sit down.

Stumbling as she went, Allie tried to make it up the stairs. Of course she failed miserably. To her luck, a boy she had met earlier found her and helped her walk up the stairs. When the two of them got to a non occupied room, the boy, Ben, helped her over to the bed. As she laid down, Ben sat in a chair next to her. Allie thought he was so kind to stay there with her even though she told him he could go back to the party. Feeling kind of sick again, Ben offered to go get Allie a glass of water to help settle her stomach. When Ben got back, he has a fresh glass of water and handed Allie some Aspirin to help with her stomach and headache.

Soon, Allie began to feel more nauseous and dizzy. The room began spinning faster and she could hardly understand what Ben was saying to her. Before she realized it, Ben was on top of her and she knew exactly what was happening to her. But she was so dizzy and disoriented that she didn't know what she could do about it. Allie could barely move and speak, so when she tried to scream, hardly any noise came out. Within a minute, Allie passed out.

The next thing Allie could remember, was waking up on the bed with a terrible headache. There was no longer music playing downstairs and the sun was partly shinning through the window. As Allie looked around the room, everything seemed to be perfect, except of course her and the bed. The sheets were all turned about and there was something on them. When Allie sat up, she noticed it was blood. As soon as it hit her, she began to cry. Allie realized that Ben had drugged her the night before while she thought he was helping her. And as she got up and looked at herself in a mirror, she was covered in bruises; although they couldn't even come close to resembling the agony she was feeling inside. The night she was supposed to began reliving her life, turned out to be one of her worst nightmares. The night of January 1, 2006, Allie was raped.