Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I Don't Know Why

i'm not exactly sure why he makes me feel this way. 
...why he can make me smile without even trying. 
...why he can easily give me the biggest butterflies in my stomach by just looking at me.
...why he can just smile and it makes my heart melt.
...why he can text me and it makes my heart skip a beat when i see his name on the screen.
...why he can make me try so hard to become a better person so that i can deserve him.
...why he can make me stay up late at night wishing just maybe he'll like me back.
...why he can cook like a pro and have it make me like him even more.
...why?
all i know is that i must be going crazy. feelings like these only exist in fairytales. and yet...i can't get any one of them to go away. i'm not sure if it's love...or if it's just a crush. But as of now, i'd definitely say it feels like more than just a crush. i long to know how he feels about me. my heart almost aches at the longing.
...maybe it's just a high school crush.
...maybe im just being a typical girl and blowing things out of proportion.
...maybe im psyching myself out and making my feelings worse by thinking about it all.
...or maybe i am falling. and falling hard...

Forever Changing Night

Tonight was going to be different. Tonight...Allie was determined to have fun. After going through such difficult times in the past year, she figured this was going to be a new start. A new start to her new life of moving on past everything horrible in her past. Everything that haunted her dreams and every thought during both day and night. Thoughts of her best friends death, the boy she loved's suicide, the reoccurring glares and mumbles she got from people she used to call friends. She was a stranger in her own world and she was sick of it. Sick of everything. After tonight, she would finally be passed it all. She would finally be free from her haunting past; she would not let it continue.

After all Allie had been through, she decided it was finally time to go try and live her life. She was sick of staying at home crying because of things she had no control over. Things that wouldn't be changed just because she wished they were different or cried for hours over them. Things... that she may always regret, but just wanted to stop being haunted by. Starting that night, January 1, 2006, her life would become hers again.

All week long, Allie had heard nothing but news of the "wicked" party everyone would be attending on that Saturday night. It was all her friends, and everyone else could talk about. Jim Carter was finally throwing a big bash while his wealthy parents were out of town. Of course at first Allie thought the whole thing was stupid. But after giving it some thought, maybe going to the party would help her move past all the crap she went through. Maybe it would help her begin to start forgetting about the horrible flashbacks of each crappy event that she had to witness and go through in her life. Just maybe, this party would help Allie restart her life as a normal teenage girl; or so she thought.

Saturday night, the day of the big party. Allie made plans with a group of her friends to go the party. Most of them were rather shocked she wanted to go, considering Allie was never much of a "party girl". But they welcomed her without any question and open arms.

Allie's friend Amanda picked her up at her house around eight and from there they were off. Off to the party that would change Allie's perspective on life. Of course, Allie knew none of this as she was climbing into the car. If she had known, I bet she would have stayed at home and not thought twice about what she would be missing out on. But of course, being human, Allie had no way of knowing...and so she went.

Upon arriving at the house, most of Allie's friends met up with them as her and Amanda walked through the door. Being a good friend, Amanda asked Allie is she wanted her to stay with her, and not wanting to be a downer, she told Amanda to go have fun. Deciding to explore the house, Allie walked around and eventually found herself in the kitchen where the beverages were being passed out. Before she really knew what was happening, she had finished off 3 cups of beer and a shot of vodka. The vodka almost made her throw up, but she was able to keep it down. Feeling a little dizzy, Allie decided to go find someplace quiet to go sit down.

Stumbling as she went, Allie tried to make it up the stairs. Of course she failed miserably. To her luck, a boy she had met earlier found her and helped her walk up the stairs. When the two of them got to a non occupied room, the boy, Ben, helped her over to the bed. As she laid down, Ben sat in a chair next to her. Allie thought he was so kind to stay there with her even though she told him he could go back to the party. Feeling kind of sick again, Ben offered to go get Allie a glass of water to help settle her stomach. When Ben got back, he has a fresh glass of water and handed Allie some Aspirin to help with her stomach and headache.

Soon, Allie began to feel more nauseous and dizzy. The room began spinning faster and she could hardly understand what Ben was saying to her. Before she realized it, Ben was on top of her and she knew exactly what was happening to her. But she was so dizzy and disoriented that she didn't know what she could do about it. Allie could barely move and speak, so when she tried to scream, hardly any noise came out. Within a minute, Allie passed out.

The next thing Allie could remember, was waking up on the bed with a terrible headache. There was no longer music playing downstairs and the sun was partly shinning through the window. As Allie looked around the room, everything seemed to be perfect, except of course her and the bed. The sheets were all turned about and there was something on them. When Allie sat up, she noticed it was blood. As soon as it hit her, she began to cry. Allie realized that Ben had drugged her the night before while she thought he was helping her. And as she got up and looked at herself in a mirror, she was covered in bruises; although they couldn't even come close to resembling the agony she was feeling inside. The night she was supposed to began reliving her life, turned out to be one of her worst nightmares. The night of January 1, 2006, Allie was raped.

Hard Knock Life

I am going to share a story with you. it's inspired by a true story...i just really felt like i needed to post this (by the way...i wrote this story)...

One may ask themselves, “Why did I have to go through something so horrible?” after encountering an event that changes their lives forever. Though it may not make sense at the time, or even maybe a while after, some day, they realize how important it was for their life to go through what they did. It almost makes it seem like it was their responsibility to “bear witness” to that specific event. That is exactly what Allie told me after she told me the story she felt that she “bore witness to”.

It was a beautiful, cool night on September 17, 2005. Allie and her best friend, Andrea Zugina, were enjoying their sleepover that night. They were playing games and were up quite late talking about various things going on in their lives. At around 2 am, Allie had a fun idea. She told Andrea that they should go for a “midnight stroll” around the park near Andrea’s house. Andrea thought that was a great idea, and so they snuck out of the house shortly after.

They were shoving each other and giggling as they were sneaking out, this would be a night to remember. Andrea and Allie were so excited to be sneaking out of the house late at night. They felt as though they were rebels, and they loved it. Neither of them had snuck out so late at night before and they both couldn’t wait to goof around at the park.

As they were walking toward the park, they started talking about some serious issues that were taking place in their lives. Allie always felt that she could always open up to Andrea and tell her anything, and Andrea felt the same about Allie. After walking a few blocks, they finally reached their destination. It was so exciting! Their adrenaline was on a high and they started running around on the playground. Allie got tired of running, so she sat down on a swing and started swinging. Shortly after, Andrea joined her and they had a contest to see who could swing the highest. Andrea and Allie always had the best of times together, and tonight was especially fun.

After being at the park for about an hour, at 3:15 am, they both decided they were getting tired out and should head back to Andrea’s house. On their way back, Allie was having fun teasing Andrea about how she was so paranoid because she kept hearing noises behind them. Soon though, the noises got louder, as though someone or something was walking behind them. But, neither of them could see anything, or anyone, behind them. Not seeing anything and still hearing the noises made Allie nervous, so she started walking faster and Andrea kept up with her pace. Something bad was going to happen, Allie just knew it, and they were only a couple blocks away.

The next thing Allie knew, she was being grabbed from behind. Someone put his or her hand over her mouth so she couldn’t scream. She could not see who grabbed her, but he or she was dragging her somewhere. Allie knew exactly where to, back to the park. Feeling helpless in this horrible and scary situation, Allie decided it was hopeless and gave up fighting.

Allie and her attacker finally reached the park, and he made her sit up against a tree and tied her up. Allie looked to her right and saw Andrea tied up to a tree right next to her. The short conversation they had was in hushed tones, so the two attackers could not hear them. Andrea was the first to speak, “Allie, I’m really freaked out! What do we do?”

“Just whatever you do, don’t scream. I felt my attacker holding a gun to my back as he tied me up. I wouldn’t put it past them to have it loaded…”

“But we GOTTA get out of here! Who knows what they plan to do to us.”

Before Allie could say anything in response, Andrea started screaming. The two people, and it was then obvious they were men, came over and slapped Andrea across the face. The taller one said, “If you don’t shut up and behave, you won’t like what we do to you.” But that didn’t stop Andrea, and she screamed again, but a louder and higher pitched scream. Allie was terrified!

Allie had no time to react and tell her friend to stop being stupid. In a matter of seconds, Andrea had three bullets in her head and the blood was spilling everywhere around her. Allie was mortified; she did not know how to react. She could not scream, because they would do the same thing to her, and she did not want her brains splattered all over the ground and on the tree she was tied to. The two men came up to her, and surprisingly untied her from the tree. The taller one said to her in a harsh tone, “Hurry up and scat! I’m sure someone has called the cops from hearing my stupid partner’s mistake in shooting your friend. LEAVE NOW!” Allie did not have to be told twice and she ran as far as her legs took her.

After running all the way back to her house, she collapsed on the ground and starting crying. What was she to tell her parents and her other friends? How could she tell Andrea’s parents and brother? She was shaking all over and was trying to catch her breath. Allie sat in front of her house for what seemed like hours, but it was only for about thirty minutes. Finally she decided to go inside and sleep. The next morning was going to be a tough one. Boy were she and Andrea right, this was definitely a night that she was going to remember...forever.

Completely in love

She sat there as she held her breath...
Wondering if she would ever get her chance...
Oh how she loved him...
but...
Would he ever love her back?

Would this boy ever feel the same?
Would he ever realize all that they could be?
She continues to hold her breath and hope...
Even if it means until her death... 

Who Am I? [poem i wrote]

I am sitting in my room
On the comfort of my bed
I sit here in deep thought
Thinking of the path I have tread

I don't know what to do
I am at the end of my rope
My life seems to flash before me
And I have given up all hope

I get off my bed
And stand to my feet
I walk to the mirror
And then our eyes meet

The face that is before me
Stares back in the mirror
It doesn't seem to be me
Oh why can't this be clearer?

I fall to my knees
And look away from the face
I don't know what is happening
How did I get to this place?

I no longer recognize myself
It seems I have changed
I don't know what to do
There must be some one to blame

Tears start to swell
As I slowly close my eyes
The face in the mirror
Is one I despise

So many choices I had made
Were very foolish and dumb
And all that they did
Was leave me cold and numb

My past is one I regret
As I thought of my choices
My life raced through my mind
I try to block out the voices

Each voice said something different
Convincing me of what they said
My thoughts began to haunt me
And how I wished I were dead

"You should be ashamed."
"You should end it all now."
I couldn't get the voices to cease
I didn't know how

I looked into the mirror
Wondering where to go from here
The face that was before me
Was filled with pain and fear

No longer could I look
At the guilty face in the mirror
But I didn't want to give in
Although the pain was severe

I stood to my feet
As I wiped away the tears
I was suddenly quite determined
That I would change right here

I stared at the face in the mirror 
And I made to myself a vow
I would fix my mistakes
Right here and now

I fell to my knees again
More tears streaming down my face
They were now tears of joy
As my mistakes began to erase

I looked at the mirror in triumph
As now I was completely free
My life was now mine to live
And my own person I could be

I no longer need to worry
Of my forever haunting past
New choices shall I make
That will free me from its grasp